Safety Measures– Preparing for the crime
-Make sure you‘re alone (oh you wouldn’t want witnesses to this…!)
-Lock all doors and windows and shut the drapes.
-Depending on your neighbor – friendly situation be sure of their at-home-status. Best if they are away. If however you are on non-speaking terms, best make sure they are NOT away (That’s unless they have a history of calling the police).
Prepare the scene of the crime
-Look into your parents’ LP collection.
-Go for the 60’s or Oldies section and try for “Nowhere to Run” by Martha Reeves and The Vandellas or if you can’t find it try “The Twist” by Chuck Berry (that’s “The Twist” – not “Let’s twist again”)
The Actual High
-Switch on the LP player – if multifunctional it’s the phono MM you want to use.
-Place (GENTLY) the vinyl on the player.
BE CAREFUL NOW if you‘ve never done it before – unlike CD’s, LP’s break REALLY easy. Set it to desired song and MOST IMPORTANT set it to the right speed. Playing at the wrong speed is highly unadvisable (leave the jamming to DJ Adrien Cronauer).
-Now play it LOUD.
REALLY LOUD.
It’s common misconception that oldies don’t need to be played on top volume. The truth is the exact opposite. “Try it – you‘ll like it…”
-Now close your eyes and let the rhythm get you…
-Feel it and start moving your feet swiftly from side to side… Then the arms… Then the head… Then the rest of the body – feel free to improvise… (it would be for the best if your eyes where open while improvising – you are at home aren’t you? There’s furniture around, watch it)
-As the second verse begins dance it through – move around. Feel free to use any twist or other dance moves you wouldn’t dare try in a club (stay clear of John Travolta stuff – especially if male – unless you feel really low and/or are really drunk).
-Repeat as needed, preferably with a collection of songs, except if you’re preparing a stage act or a video clip routine.
Damage Control – Cleaning Up
-Stop singing.
-Put the LP away (again: GENTLY).
-Switch the player off.
-Open drapes.
-Probably pick up the phone now that the music has stopped and you CAN hear it ring.
-Check you-tube frequently for any videos of you singing and dancing to “I will survive” while standing on the back of couch. Chances are you would want to know of their potential existence before someone sues you for malpractice and uses it as evidence of your mental instability.
-Strongly disagree of hearing anything unnatural in case a neighbor asks (do not surrender – DO NOT give in).
ATTENTION
1. Do not by any means skip the first stage of preparation – no matter how much you are on a hurry.
2. The song of choice may vary according to individual taste – but try to avoid The Beach Boys – especially if male – unless you feel really low and/or are really drunk.
3. If you’re using a cordless phone as a microphone, try not to hit the buttons. You wouldn’t want your great aunt or your house plumber listening to your cries (a.k.a. talented singing voice).
4. If you’re too uptight – use moves from aerobics class. If you’re even more uptight – let it go, move on, this is not for you…
-Make sure you‘re alone (oh you wouldn’t want witnesses to this…!)
-Lock all doors and windows and shut the drapes.
-Depending on your neighbor – friendly situation be sure of their at-home-status. Best if they are away. If however you are on non-speaking terms, best make sure they are NOT away (That’s unless they have a history of calling the police).
Prepare the scene of the crime
-Look into your parents’ LP collection.
-Go for the 60’s or Oldies section and try for “Nowhere to Run” by Martha Reeves and The Vandellas or if you can’t find it try “The Twist” by Chuck Berry (that’s “The Twist” – not “Let’s twist again”)
The Actual High
-Switch on the LP player – if multifunctional it’s the phono MM you want to use.
-Place (GENTLY) the vinyl on the player.
BE CAREFUL NOW if you‘ve never done it before – unlike CD’s, LP’s break REALLY easy. Set it to desired song and MOST IMPORTANT set it to the right speed. Playing at the wrong speed is highly unadvisable (leave the jamming to DJ Adrien Cronauer).
-Now play it LOUD.
REALLY LOUD.
It’s common misconception that oldies don’t need to be played on top volume. The truth is the exact opposite. “Try it – you‘ll like it…”
-Now close your eyes and let the rhythm get you…
-Feel it and start moving your feet swiftly from side to side… Then the arms… Then the head… Then the rest of the body – feel free to improvise… (it would be for the best if your eyes where open while improvising – you are at home aren’t you? There’s furniture around, watch it)
-As the second verse begins dance it through – move around. Feel free to use any twist or other dance moves you wouldn’t dare try in a club (stay clear of John Travolta stuff – especially if male – unless you feel really low and/or are really drunk).
-Repeat as needed, preferably with a collection of songs, except if you’re preparing a stage act or a video clip routine.
Damage Control – Cleaning Up
-Stop singing.
-Put the LP away (again: GENTLY).
-Switch the player off.
-Open drapes.
-Probably pick up the phone now that the music has stopped and you CAN hear it ring.
-Check you-tube frequently for any videos of you singing and dancing to “I will survive” while standing on the back of couch. Chances are you would want to know of their potential existence before someone sues you for malpractice and uses it as evidence of your mental instability.
-Strongly disagree of hearing anything unnatural in case a neighbor asks (do not surrender – DO NOT give in).
ATTENTION
1. Do not by any means skip the first stage of preparation – no matter how much you are on a hurry.
2. The song of choice may vary according to individual taste – but try to avoid The Beach Boys – especially if male – unless you feel really low and/or are really drunk.
3. If you’re using a cordless phone as a microphone, try not to hit the buttons. You wouldn’t want your great aunt or your house plumber listening to your cries (a.k.a. talented singing voice).
4. If you’re too uptight – use moves from aerobics class. If you’re even more uptight – let it go, move on, this is not for you…
1 comments:
LOL - this entry made me laugh out loud. And I see you've updated your layout! Is nice. I like :)
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